I just listened to David Wilkerson speak about Anguish.  ( YouTube video: A call to anguish by David Wilkerson)  When I first became a Christian, I was so impressed with David Wilkerson listening to God's voice enough that he moved from a safe pastorate to innercity New York City and started witnessing to gang members and those in poverty. Poverty of spirit as well as material poverty.  He worked with the Holy Spirit, cried and prayed for people everyone else had forgotten, helped where he saw need, gave all glory to God.  Then I lost track of that full throttle living.

As I have had to re-order my priorities, directly face the potential of facing God soon, I have been struck by how my life has been so comfortable up to now.  Sure, I pushed a few boundaries (very few) but mainly just wanted to be liked by everyone.  That is changing.  I hate this cancer but I am so grateful that this "brick" has wupped me on the side of the head and made me pay attention.

I now have anguish,  Anguish to think I may not have time to REALLY show my love, to REALLY intercede, to REALLY work in duet with the Holy Spirit.   Angush to think if all the lost opportunities to throw myself on the mercy of God, to boldly speak the Truth, to see His works come to fruition.  I am still too comfortable to actually pray as Jesus did, with tears of blood, but I am coming closer.

Obey has such a negative connotation in America. We want to be independent, stand on our own thinking/actions.  And yet, we turn and say, "this behavior is not my fault., not my choice" very quickly.   I do not advocate unthinking obedience, without evaluating either the source or the results.  We are responsible for our choices and our behavior. I have always had a resistance to obeying tho and struggle with it in many areas of my life.

I am reading a book "Eat this book" by Eugene Peterson about study of the bible and was struck by this entry.

"Obedience is living in active response to the living God. The most important question we ask of this text is not, "What does this mean?" but "What can I obey?".

this is simultaneously freeing and frightening.  Freeing because all I have to do is read and study and then decide which parts I can manage to obey at this time and which parts need to be prayed about for me to become more mature to be able to obey as soon as I can.  (eg. I am still struggling with 'love your enemies' )  Frightening because I can't hide behind "I didn't know!!"

I remember when I first became a follower of Christ.  A friend said.. "this will be an adventure". And it has (heart-stopping, panic-stricken, plodding, mundane).  I know it will continue to be an adventure.

It is snowing hard outside.  We still have an inch or so of snow on the ground from last week's storm, temperatures in the 20's all week, and now a new storm with predicted high winds, ice and sleet and snow up to 12-18 inches.  Everyone we know is tucked home with alternate ways to heat in case of power outages.  I find that amazing.  Do we just only know people who are making it? or are some of our acquaintances not saying that they are in trouble?  In this economy and given that Key Peninsula has been hit hard by the downturn in construction and real estate... I wonder why we don't know people who are in trouble around here.  There are shelters that have opened for tonight for people who fear to stay home thru the storm. I don't know how many people are using them.  I hope people don't stay away because of pride.   One of the groups we know just two weeks ago got approval to act as a shelter for teens for all the street kids.  They are open tonight as well.

For our smaller friends, Joe made sure the bird feeder and banisters are well stocked with bird seed.  We have chickadees, juncos, stellar jays and some towhees companionably eating away.

Our beloved Ginny and Bill were sposed to be here with us last night but  their flight was cancelled in Virginia because of fog.  They hope to fly in on Sunday evening so we can have Christmas week together.  We are hoping to cook the turkey on Monday (so we can have leftovers all week) before they leave the day after Christmas.   I hope they get to enjoy the snow and birds and deer with us. 

Joe and I talked yesterday about our cancers. Statistically, my cancer is going to give me a much shorter lifespan than I was planning.  This makes me REALLY grateful for each day I have, the wonderful family and friends I have, and the incredible husband that God blessed me with.  Daily I give thanks for you.  On the other hand, God is much bigger than statistics and I know that we (Joe and I) have work to do here with our company.  Joe can't run our company without my help, I certainly cannot run our company without his help.  Our prayer is that we stay focused on the work we are sposed to do here and now, and leave the future un-analyzed and un-planned except what is necessary to do today for future things.  (eg. We did complete our wills and health care directives this week.)

I have a bad cold/bronchitis this last week and we had fears about it being my cancer growing. Joe did research and found out that if I was not coughing up blood, we were probably ok.   I am NOT coughing up blood, I am starting to feel better and will be rarin' to go when two of our beloved nieces (and their wonderful husbands) arrive for Thanksgiving later this week.  I hate having every little ache and pain take on a sinister potential. But it does, for both of us.  I have to just keep guarding against both paranoia and wishful thinking.  Equal dangers.