But I disagree.  We have two wonderful neighbors who lost their husbands that still grieve.  I prefer the term 'suffering'.  For example, think about the kids in Darfur refugee camps, who have lost all their family to unexpected genocidal violence, yet decide to play soccer, etc in those dismal settings.  But still cry.

'Suffering' is a better term, in my opinion.  It expands loss to allow a community supportiveness more than the self-centered connotation of 'depression'.

I watch her start each day in quiet worship and Bible study. Then she walks the property with our silly mutt. I see her joy in planting fruit trees, tending her vegetable garden and soon.. raising chickens!

Happy birthday, my darling Heidi!!

I wish I could remember her name, but I can't(sigh).  I was helping my father build his new home in a Baptist Conference center in Glorieta, New Mexico, USA. I somehow met an amazing soprano that was working on camp staff that year.  She had lost a leg (diabetes?) but was fully active AND studying opera at college.

I was a pretty good piano player back then, and so asked if I could be her 'accompanianist' during her practice sessions while in New Mexico.  She preferred singing old hymns to opera, so I had to beg her to occasionally sing some of the great opera arias..and when she did, WOW!!! What a voice!  My entire spine would vibrate as her voice climbed above 'high C' into the stratosphere..

I hope she sees this blog and lets me & Heidi know how she is doing. I hope she is out there singing her heart to the world, despite such a devastating disease..

My surgeon agreed it was likely enough to warrant a scan of my kidneys, which happened a few days before the followup appointment on Good Friday.. an appt when my surgeon grinned at us and said there was NO cancer in my kidneys based on the scan, just a small kidney stone. 

Meanwhile, thinking of Easter tomorrow, I am struck by the symbolism for not only us, but every human on the planet - faith freeing us from death (whatever the cause).  It would be patronizing for me to in any way lessen the reality of suffering to a Darfur genocide refugee camp resident, or a human rights victim undergoing torture, or another cancer patient facing imminent death.  But I do think since every human suffers to some degree, a caring connection based on that suffering is a way to forget cultural, religious and philosophical differences for the sake of compassionate unity.

- Joe

But it sure brings back memories of summer/ fall 2008, when we both were dealing with cancer.  No fun with one, much less with two.  We've met several other couples that have battled cancer at the same time.  The one good thing is the added empathy for your spouse's battle, even if your cancer is far less deadly, as in my case.  A wonderful and brave lady we recently met online, Tracy Lynn (battling Stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, like Heidi) wrote a brilliant blog post called "Cancer Is Harder On The Spouse".  Heidi said something similar to me in 2008 - that she was having more trouble with my diagnosis than hers at the time.  It was certainly true for me regarding hers.

We've lost 6 friends in 6 weeks to cancer.  I can't even begin to know what the surviving spouse in each case is going through.  I grab as much support for us both wherever I can find it; prayer, positive thoughts, venting..  But I don't think most feel comfortable asking for support, as I do - you'll have to keep an eye out for them in your circle of friends and loved ones with cancer.  Please do reach out to them... 

It shook me up.  As someone who has backpacked and mountain climbed extensively, I should not be surprised.  Once, in New Mexico's high Truchas Lakes, a cougar and her kittens trotted through camp as I lay there in my hammock.  And other close calls.

It was really a wake up call - I've been getting increasingly depressed and worn out by worry over Heidi's cancer and finances.  So I have started to do the healthy things that matter during work breaks - photography, kayaking, joining Heidi on walks, exercise, contemplative prayer.. kick me in the butt if I fall back into bad habits of isolation and inactivity!

I am sitting in a beautiful NYC hotel room, courtesy of Microsoft's WebsiteSpark Program (thanks!) reminiscencing the past..

Last time I was in New York City was on a pharmaceutical sales award dinner in the late 90's, on the top floor restaurant of the World Trade Center's North Tower, which had a restaurant on its 106th and 107th floors called Windows on the World.

I remember the incredible views to the rest of Manhattan as we sat there, waiting for our seats.  Once called to our tables I never gave it a second thought, until.. terror, loss and outrage.

The world changes at a dizzying pace - science, politics, internet..but one thing (for me) stays constant: LOVE, person to person, is an infinite variable in the cosmos, whatever your religion, philosophy, or political persuasion.

I "love ya!" - Joe

Another cancer battle surrender.

Anyways, between now and June, please change your email used to contact Heidi from heidih (at) qualityrunners.com to heidih (at) softwarerunners.com.

..cancer sux 

- Joe

I have friends, acquaintenances from different religions who say with confidence, "I have no doubts that God exists".  It is often assumed that there is an inverse corelation between doubt and faith; the stronger your faith, the fewer your doubts.  That has not been my experience as a Christian.  The stronger my faith becomes, the more I am able to wrestle with intellectual doubts and vice versa.  I identify strongly with the apostle Thomas and his doubts, shared with the other apostles, regarding their reports of Christ's resurrection.  I also identify with with the father seeking healing for his son, "I believe, Lord, help my unbelief!"

Mother Teresa, Thomas Merton, Philip Yancey, C.S.Lewis and other champions of the Christian faith have all mentioned 'dry times' when God 'felt distant', when the ongoing choice to believe lacks emotion or personal revelation.   I wish this was acknowledged more from church pulpits and contemporary Christian music.  In a world full of suffering and inequities, I think equating faith with happiness/freedom from doubt, is a heresy that can drain any motivation to reach out and help, guided by a loving God.

In Dotoevsky's "The Brothers Karamazov" there is a fascinating contrast between the older brother Ivan and younger brother Alyosha.  When Ivan confronts Alyosha with powerful intellectual doubts, Alyosha honestly admits a lack of answers to those doubts.  But as the story unfolds, Ivan is consumed by his doubts and isolates himself, whereas Alyosha chooses to reach out to the hurting children in his village, despite a lack of answers to his brother's challenges against faith.

I want to be an Alyosha..

One thing we have started doing, is asking for the first names of anyone you know battling cancer or in remission, so that I can enter their names into the prayer request book in Seattle Cancer Care Alliance's interfaith chapel.  In 2 weeks, via social media like FaceBook, LinkedIn and Twitter, we've received almost 150 names already!  Please use the contact form on this website if you would like me to enter the first name of anyone you know fighting cancer or in remission.

The picture below shows the names I entered last week..

But now, we both feel better able to face the outside world, including hosting out of town guests in this spectacular setting of natural beauty! 

The candles' story (one day's worth of purified oil miraculously lasting eight days) has become personally meaningful and symbolic in two ways to me, these past few evenings.. 

First, Amnesty International's founder used a 'candle in the darkness' theme when creating that great human rights grassroots organization. Their logo remains a candle wrapped in barbed wire.

Secondly, Heidi's battle with cancer..that her continued health and quality of life is like an oil flask that would otherwise have gone out long ago, but with medical and prayer support, she continues to shine brightly.

Blessings to all!

Yesterday, we got confirmation that after last year's chemotherapy failures(twice), as of yesterday the combination of chemo + prayers/positive-thoughts has stopped continued growth of her lung and bone tumors!!  Here's the graph:

"I was told 2 times that I was in a win-win situation. It was a win if I beat cancer, but it was a win too if I didn't because I could go to heaven. I was NOT and still am NOT in a place where I consider cancer a win-win. Maybe I'm selfish to want to see my children grow up and see what God has planned for them. I know that going to be with Jesus is truly the best thing, but when you are actually faced with that VERY real possibility, it's hard to think about all you would be leaving behind."

We both agree with Kelly! We want to approach our future as a different kind of win-win:

1. Miracle - we both age and work side by side into our 90's
2. No miracle - build such unselfish and healthy habits together, that if one of us has to continue alone, those commitments continue

So..October-December 2009 we are concentrating 100% on prayer, Bible Study, physical fitness, ministry/volunteer work and completing our software product.  As much as we enjoy hosting overnite guests, we're taking a break from that and other distractions in order to focus on building this 'win-win' scenario together.

Tomorrow is SCCA again so I was hoping to get a 12 hour workday in today..HA! ..not likely.  But if I abandon self-employment and get a commuting job somewhere, I lose the precious daily time around Heidi.  God calls us to be good stewards, but in this situation I am at a complete loss on how to apply that command.  This morning, I read some frightening verses in the Gospel of Luke:

Sunset Over The Olympic Mountains After Chemotherapy

Heidi and I are learning how to make the weekly, wednesday chemotherapy trips into fun 'dates'.  Yesterday, after the great news that her neutrophils were back to normal, and after her infusion, we explored West Seattle on the way home.  After some awesome seafood at Duke's Chowder House we visited 3 different state parks enroute to the car ferry.  Once on the ferry, God blessed us with the wonderful sunset seen in the above picture!  We are so grateful for so many family and friends praying us along this weekly roller coaster - and we are determined to have FUN every wednesday!

In Heidi's cancer growth marker graph below, you can see a typical "flare" in May 2008, followed by chemo efficacy as indicated by the lowering of "markers" back to normal.  We hope and pray that her 3rd chemo attempt results is also a "flare" which will show return to normal in September!

This photo was taken/sent to me by an amazing NAPP artist and photographer called "PlainsEagle" (Sid), symbolizing light after the storms and darkness of life. I am amazed this morning, thinking of how many individuals have reached out to us this past year - in addition to family, local friends, our church, a neighboring church, we have been blessed with so much support from individuals on FaceBook, LinkedIn, Twitter, Winds Of Change, LiveStrong and the National Association Of Photoshop Professionals.
Thank you so much everyone. Your caring really does make a difference!

Sometimes we'll notice tears in each other's eyes.  Not outright crying, just a steady undercurrent of sorrow.  We almost always pray after noticing.  And then, one of us makes some lousy joke.  Then another.  And off we go, ignoring the underlying sadness, ruining a good pity party with laughter.  Thank You God for laughter!

You sure learn a lot about trusting God, and how to better pray for others through something like this.  I think our own daily prayer list has grown to over a dozen pages of names, incuding others battling illness, facing persecution for their faith, and Amnesty International human rights cases.  We know prayer helps, even if not always the way we hope, or in our own timing.  And so many have prayed and supported us.

After the appointments, we walked down to a cafe on Lake Union to watch the seaplanes, kayaks and sailboats.  Laughter, peace.  We decided to end it all..WITH CHOCOLATE!  The ice cream covered brownie was taller than an office building :-)

We were also amazed at the compassionate response of James Pyles, a new friend on Twitter,  in his blog post about us and others battling disease of any kind - you can read it by clicking HERE

With each bone ache comes the inevitable question: is it the meds' side effects or is it the cancer growing again?  Through it all is the reassurance for us both that so many caring people out there have prayed at least once, if not daily for her. What a continual refilling of faith and hope from such support!

To all out there who have lifted us up in prayer and/or positive thoughts, you are part of the daily survival celebration!  Thank you..

Dr Ellis is wonderful - she shoots from the hip, but also floods Heidi with compassion and hugs her after each appointment.  Unusual for such a well-published research physician.

What do we do with this news?  Live each day to the fullest, refusing to let fear steal the moment, the time together.

Yet, next Wednesday looms like the Titanic in my mind today.  What will Seattle Cancer Care Alliance team say/suggest now?  Current meds have failed after a wonderful 12 months' success.

I try to be strong for her, but I am so weak today.  So emotional.  I try to live each day, not thinking about the future, but today it seems impossible.  'Catastrophizing' my beloved M.D. brother called it in 2004 (imagining the worst before it is confirmed).

Tomorrow, faith and courage I hope will again grace me with their comradery!

FRIDAY: Bad news today.. Heidi's Stage4 cancer labwork significantly more abnormal this month, implying definite chemo failure after 10 month success.  Tears and prayers for about an hour and then..laughter, silliness, and decided to have a waterside picnic (she made some awesome fish tacos).  Then we took off together into the Inlet, kayaking, singing praise duets, blessed with a clear view of majestic Mount Rainier and the southern Cascade range.  We are so grateful for so much support and caring from friends and family in this scary time of uncertainty.

We have received SO much support, thank you everyone that has prayed, sent positive thoughts, emails, phone calls. -Joe & Heidi

And One Special Hero, long ago, crying drops of blood in a garden at night, awaiting horrible torture and death, on behalf of us all.  If I did not depend on and worship this One Hero who understands from personal experience, all would seem meaningless.. horrible and without hope.

What do you do? Feel?

By now, I am used to feelings and faith going separate directions for a while, then reuniting on better days.  So despite feelings, I will strive to 'wait and see'..

Two days ago, I discovered that one of my favorite Photoshop professional tutorial authors, Dee Dee ('Swampy') has been diagnosed with deadly Inflammatory Breast Cancer.  Please pray for her as you pray for us.  A wonderful lady, she lost her father, then her mother(to cancer) and basically helped raise her 7 sisters as a young woman.  Not to mention her amazing creative talent as an artist.

Every single one of you are precious to us and we do not take your prayers/positive thoughts for granted!

Blessings, Joe

• If you make $25K / yr you're in world's wealthiest 10%
  
• If you make $50K / yr you're in world's wealthiest 1%
  
• American Christians are 5% of world's total Christians.
  
• American Christians own 50% of total world Christian income
  
• American Christians tithed 2.58% in 2005
  
• American Christians tithed 3.3% in depression of 1930's
  
• American Churches budget 2% for foreign evangelism and other mission work (such as tackling poverty)
  

Geese, grebes, cormorants, mallards, buffle-heads, scoters, golden-eyes, kildeer, kingfishers, heron, gulls, mergansers, scaups.. while banks worldwide experience recession, our bank of sand dollars is thriving. :)

C# and LINQ are finally starting to feel 'natural' as my work tools, after over a decade of using Delphi(pascal).  We are blessed with a chance to launch new software products, as a couple, and further support agencies like World Vision and other non-profits, who we believe are dramatically changing the world for the better.

Joy. But the bird feeders stay full, delighting dozens of winged visitors, scenic moments get photographed, encouraging books get read, warm friendships receive time spent together, healthy exercise continues, songs to God are sung. 

Life.

"No, just tired" I answer.  She heads for bed, as I try to keep working. Avoid crying.  What good do tears do?  What she wants most in whatever time we have left, is to raise $10 million with our software company, for impoverished individuals out there just needing a chance to break out of their vicious poverty cycle. 

This week her sternal pain has lasted throughout several days - a scary change to me.  Another MRI is planned at month's end..

Yet cancer invades.  Emotionally.  Spiritually.  Physically.  Her survival-to-date is a miracle, a tribute to cutting-edge oncology medicines and at least a thousand people I have begged for at least one prayer for her.  FaceBook.  Twitter.  LinkedIn. NAPP. Family. Friends. Neighbors.

For each precious one of you reading this stupid blog entry, THANK YOU for your support, your empathy.  I live with an Angel facing daily risk of abnormal, too-soon death and feel your support.

If only I could hug each one of you for your prayers, your positive thoughts!  Or at least take you for a ride in our 2 person kayak..

When so many families struggle with dysfunctional communication, hurt feelings spanning decades, I am so blessed to have parents and 2 brothers that just want to love each other, in spite of each of our idiosynchrosies, our failings. 

My Uncle Cal and cousin Kenneth drove hours to share a lunch.  Grabbing all my cowardly courage, I braved the question, "How exactly did Aunt Violet die?"

For the next several hours, I heard the brutal story of my wonderful aunt's 6 month battle against metastatic breast cancer, in a time(70's) when hope was non-existent and pain was poorly managed.  Watching my aged uncle cry while he spoke, how I wished to reach back through time and hug Aunt Violet, telling her I finally had some understanding of what she went through for her beloved family!

In the days since our return, my dear Heidi has had her second carpal tunnel surgery (anti-cancer med side effects) and yet is determined to do most of the work preparing for tonite's home Bible Study preparations..

I cry.  I pray.  I sing.  I laugh.  Thank you Lord, for LIFE !

But the real intensity came from the film festival we treated ourselves to last night, three films nonstop:

• Life Is Beautiful
• The Hiding Place
• The Passion

The first two about the Holocaust and the third about Christ's torture, crucifixion and resurrection.  Incredible acting, incredible music, incredible emotions.  I doubt there are any Kleenex boxes left in this county :-)

This morning's letter-writing to Israel about Gaza innocent civilian casualties seemed ironic, after watching the two Holocaust films.  "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.."

Ivan, the agnostic brother in Dostoevsky's classic 'The Brothers Karamazov' refused any ticket to Heaven, because he stated that any God creating a Universe where children must suffer could not be acceptable. 

His brother, Alyosha, took a different approach.  Saddened that he could not answer Ivan as to why evil exists, he still went about his life helping the local village children that were hurting, crediting his love to his faith in God.

I long to be an Alyosha, despite the honest and terrible mystery of suffering presented by Ivan. 

I am thankful that the Messiah whose birth I celebrate this week was no stranger to suffering Himself, able to help me be a little less selfish each year and remember all the suffering out there a little more.

Merry Christmas !

So I am CHOOSING to be thankful this Thanksgiving, and hopeful, and believing in her healing.  Thankful for family that cares enough to visit us this season.  Thankful for so many friends' support and prayers.  Thankful we can speak our mind without fear of imprisonment.  Thankful we can worship freely.  Thankful for nature's beauty that surrounds us: 

t h a n k s

In a roundtable discussion at Charity Navigator, one non-profit summed it up: "Donations began to slow when rising gas prices were the big news story in the spring, and have continued to fall as the news on the economy has worsened. We also suspect that the large amounts of small donations raised by the presidential campaigns this year have siphoned off some donations to charity, particularly in a time when budgets are tight and people have a limited amount of money to give away."

Wouldn't it be wonderful if most American gifts this year were charitable donations? 

I think they must also be fairly good at catching food, because one of the much larger Glaucus gulls has decided on highway robbery. 

The gull waits on Camp Seymour's dock, watching the Buffleheads dive and when a duck emerges from a dive with something in its bill, the gull races towards the duck, which of course dives again.  I suppose it must occasionally work, because the gull keeps it up day after day !

If they both decide to run for office, I am voting for the duck !

Today, I finally solved my differential diagnostic dilemma (cormorant or grebe?): BOTH!  I saw one of each near our dock and the telltale color /size differences were apparent.  We now have both Grebes AND Cormorants in Glen Cove.

Sadly, Heidi's sister Suzi departed today after a wonderful visit.  Our friend Patricia from Costa Rica had been here just before.  It's been a rich year of visitors, offering us support and enthusiasm about the Cove.  So now, I feel guilty that no Grebe or Cormorant has been invited to stay over.. however, since we have a prominently visible Weber BBQ grill, perhaps such an invite would be ignored.

God have mercy, and fill us with Your Spirit.

What I wanted last year was a way to bring balance smack dab into my most stressful moments at work.  So I programmed a small software utility to help - it runs in the lower right windows tray and starts flashing at adjustable intervals (usually I set it for hourly).  When I see it flashing I stop work and take a quick break to do one exercise and then get on my knees to briefly pray ('ACTS' style - Adoration - Confession - Thanks - Suplication).  There is a significant and growing corelation between using the utility and progress on the project, reduction in stress. 

I suspect that many others, who spend most of their workday on the computer, have similar struggles in staying in balance at work.  Maybe I should make it available to the public as a free resource, adaptable according to the user's own religious, meditative or positive thinking preference? 

I've been a member of Amnesty International since 1975.  I coordinated a local group for a few years, until I realized I got more letters out alone than the entire group did at meetings - and no one really wanted to put time in for activity beyond letters.

Only in recent years have I been able to keep up consistently with the case load as a volunteer letter writer.  Writing 15-30 cases/month, we get about 1-2 responses back per month (almost always red tape, official garbage responses).  I use a template in MS Word I've created to make the letters more uniquely 'ours'.  I've memorized MS Word menu shortcut keys that makes the printing fast and easy.  Heidi co-signs them, seals them, stamps them and prays for them. 

I have some advice for others that would like to write human rights letters more often but find it too overwhelming or depressing (I know how you feel and it's a real problem):

• write them together as a team with spouse, significant other or a friend
• when feeling overwhelmed, ignore the grisly case details, skipping to the action points to just get the letter out the door (after all, each letter can help gain a prisoner's freedom or at least lessen/stop their torture)
• when you start wondering if they do any good, read the success stories at the Amnesty site for encouragement: http://www.amnestyusa.org/our-successes/page.do?id=1011281 

Before our long-time friend at World Vision, Jeff Farmer, headed off for his annual month of graduate work in Africa, he was kind enough to get us invited to the employee chapel service Wednesday.  The previous chapels we have attended there have been very inspiring and educational, learning about the desperate needs in the third world and how World Vision and other agencies are struggling to make a difference.

We were delighted to get to meet Christine Morrissey, who graciously took the time to be our host.  Before chapel, she let us wander through the amazing exhibit in the lobby, a mini-museum that vividly showcases the cruelty of AIDS, the needs for water, food, healthcare and self-sufficiency in so much of the world.  During chapel, we learned how World Vision is helping the Eastern Orthodox community restore education and community services after so many years of persecution under communism.

Unexpectedly, we were invited as guests to lunch afterwards where we got to hear from additional members of the project.  It was pretty exciting to have lunch with Rich Stearns, World Vision's President, and have a chance to hear some of his inspiring story, info about his upcoming book and ask him many questions. 

Christine asked to pray with us before we left, asking God to heal both our cancer conditions.  What a wonderful new friend we have found in her!  We returned home even more inspired to do whatever we can to help in coming years!

The harbor seal slowly changed direction and headed for the ducks.  No big deal.  BUT, to my surprise he dove, then there was a huge commotion, big ripples spreading and one less duck!  I thought seals only ate fish - Wikipedia and several other sites indeed listed only fish.  Then I found a Univ of Alaska 5 yr study from Glacier Bay: 3% of harbor seal diets was bird or mammal.  So I guess I really did witness a missing duck!